This one time while I was at library doing some work on campus I saw these two guys talking, one of them worked at the library and the other was his friend that happened to run into him.
Friend: Hey how are you?
Library worker: Oh I’m fine.
Friend: really? are you sure?
Library worker: …I don’t know anymore. *sobs very quietly*
Friend: Hey listen it’s okay, we can get lunch today and we can talk about it. Because I care about you and I love you.
Library worker: Yes, okay, that sounds good.
I thought the workers friend was so nice to him, just so caring about him. It was a rather short conversation and I didn’t expect it to go that way, but it really touched me because he just cared so much about his well being and was going out of his way to help him talk about it and get through whatever his friend is going through. What a great friend.
Tomorrow I move into my dorm, well technically today since it’s passed midnight, and start my third year of college. I don’t really know how I feel about the whole concept of going to school, being with friends, and engaging in college activities. I think my first two years I expected them to be so good and was always excited for the year to start, but as the years passed everything was just disappointment and nothing I intended out of the year. So now here I am, overlooking my first two years, and I have no thoughts or certain expectations or real excitement for this year. I just want to get good grades in school and be healthy mentally and physically. That’s all. I don’t care about social relationships at this point. I have decided to put them aside so that I won’t be distracted. I can see me keeping mostly everything to myself, not sharing so much insight with other people or even my friends. I don’t mean to sound distant or uninterested in socializing, but I really just want to try to focus on me. From what I went through in the passed two years, I really need this. I’m just here to work and graduate as soon as possible and that’s what I seek.
Today I decided to go for a run at a local spot. After I finished running three miles I decided to take a quick break and sat at a bench to re-tie my shoes and rest. I sat there for a minute and a woman comes by and sits next to me, followed by a man. I was startled because I didn’t think someone would come and sit next to me because I was already sitting there. I quickly turned and saw the woman and she looked straight into my eyes with this stern, intimidating look as well as the man with her. All of these thoughts ran through my head that they could possibly threaten or harm me at that moment that we made eye contact. As soon as we made the eye contact and saw that it could have been a potential threat to me, I quickly got off the bench and resumed my run.
Whether or whether not that was actually dangerous, which probably wasn’t, I couldn’t take any chances with anyone. It took me only seconds for me to feel very uncomfortable and my “flight or fight” response kicked in and told me I needed to leave quickly just to be sure. When I left for home all I could think about was what could of gone wrong. My heart was racing with all the possibilities. I know I may have overthought about that scene at the bench, but I just really can’t take any chances with any strangers.
I had the opportunity of walking out of it and opening a new door to something that may have took adjusting, but was generally farther from the possibility of being held to relapse in misery, guilt, and depression.
I didn’t take it. I decided against it. I showed one ounce of weakness and fell right back into the vicious circle. Showered with something that seemed a little more promising at the end of summer, I decided to not let my guard down and give in to people’s selfishness anymore.
I simply need myself to understand that under these circumstances, I should not and will not fall into a state of vulnerability and watch myself slowly slip back into the same miserable state that took me months to climb out of its depths of suffering.
I’m ready. I’m here to do this for myself and no one else. I intend to live better and deserve to live better.
Part of me feels like what I’m doing in college just really isn’t meant for me to pursue. I mean I like science and am fascinated by it, but I don’t think it’s my passion and I’m not completely happy doing it. I’ve had some second thoughts about my major a few times but then just shrugged it off because I thought I was just over thinking it. But now I’m going on my third year of college and after experiencing two years, I just don’t know if it’s right for me. I know I can’t really back out now because I’ve already put so much time and effort into it. I can only think that had I chosen something else other than science, that I’d feel so much more fulfilled and happier.
I will not give anyone a chance to worry about me.