Friend of the year.

This one time while I was at library doing some work on campus I saw these two guys talking, one of them worked at the library and the other was his friend that happened to run into him.

Friend: Hey how are you?

Library worker: Oh I’m fine.

Friend: really? are you sure?

Library worker: …I don’t know anymore. *sobs very quietly*

Friend: Hey listen it’s okay, we can get lunch today and we can talk about it. Because I care about you and I love you.

Library worker: Yes, okay, that sounds good.

I thought the workers friend was so nice to him, just so caring about him. It was a rather short conversation and I didn’t expect it to go that way, but it really touched me because he just cared so much about his well being and was going out of his way to help him talk about it and get through whatever his friend is going through. What a great friend.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/head-turners/

Round 3.

Tomorrow I move into my dorm, well technically today since it’s passed midnight, and start my third year of college. I don’t really know how I feel about the whole concept of going to school, being with friends, and engaging in college activities. I think my first two years I expected them to be so good and was always excited for the year to start, but as the years passed everything was just disappointment and nothing I intended out of the year. So now here I am, overlooking my first two years, and I have no thoughts or certain expectations or real excitement for this year. I just want to get good grades in school and be healthy mentally and physically. That’s all. I don’t care about social relationships at this point. I have decided to put them aside so that I won’t be distracted. I can see me keeping mostly everything to myself, not sharing so much insight with other people or even my friends. I don’t mean to sound distant or uninterested in socializing, but I really just want to try to focus on me. From what I went through in the passed two years, I really need this. I’m just here to work and graduate as soon as possible and that’s what I seek.

Better safe than sorry.

Today I decided to go for a run at a local spot. After I finished running three miles I decided to take a quick break and sat at a bench to re-tie my shoes and rest. I sat there for a minute and a woman comes by and sits next to me, followed by a man. I was startled because I didn’t think someone would come and sit next to me because I was already sitting there. I quickly turned and saw the woman and she looked straight into my eyes with this stern, intimidating look as well as the man with her. All of these thoughts ran through my head that they could possibly threaten or harm me at that moment that we made eye contact. As soon as we made the eye contact and saw that it could have been a potential threat to me, I quickly got off the bench and resumed my run.

Whether or whether not that was actually dangerous, which probably wasn’t, I couldn’t take any chances with anyone. It took me only seconds for me to feel very uncomfortable and my “flight or fight” response kicked in and told me I needed to leave quickly just to be sure. When I left for home all I could think about was what could of gone wrong. My heart was racing with all the possibilities. I know I may have overthought about that scene at the bench, but I just really can’t take any chances with any strangers.

The vicious circle is vicious.

I had the opportunity of walking out of it and opening a new door to something that may have took adjusting, but was generally farther from the possibility of being held to relapse in misery, guilt, and depression.

I didn’t take it. I decided against it. I showed one ounce of weakness and fell right back into the vicious circle. Showered with something that seemed a little more promising at the end of summer, I decided to not let my guard down and give in to people’s selfishness anymore.

I simply need myself to understand that under these circumstances, I should not and will not fall into a state of vulnerability and watch myself slowly slip back into the same miserable state that took me months to climb out of its depths of suffering.

I’m ready. I’m here to do this for myself and no one else. I intend to live better and deserve to live better.

Resent

Part of me feels like what I’m doing in college just really isn’t meant for me to pursue. I mean I like science and am fascinated by it, but I don’t think it’s my passion and I’m not completely happy doing it. I’ve had some second thoughts about my major a few times but then just shrugged it off because I thought I was just over thinking it. But now I’m going on my third year of college and after experiencing two years, I just don’t know if it’s right for me. I know I can’t really back out now because I’ve already put so much time and effort into it. I can only think that had I chosen something else other than science, that I’d feel so much more fulfilled and happier.

I will not give anyone a chance to worry about me.

#652

I am the crust of the bread.

The part packed with nutrition

and you know I am the best for you,

but somehow, someway,

I am always cut off

and thrown away.

Everyone knows

I am the best for you,

but no one blames you

when the knife comes out.

Figuratively speaking, that is.

Great friends lead to great friends.

Some of those friends might stop reading half way through your book.

The rest will continue and finish reading until the end.

Regular convos can reveal.

“Why are you just sitting there, you’re boring me.”

“How am I boring you if you’re playing a game?”

“You’re just there and you’re bored boring me.”

“I’m sorry that you perceived me as “bored” if I don’t constantly play video games or get on the internet.”

“No, you’re just unsatisfied.”

“I’m always unsatisfied.”

“Hm?”

 

The youngest one struggles the most.

I often look at my brothers and compare their lives to mine.

Oldest brother: He has a bachelor’s degree in music education and is currently in graduate school getting his master’s. He moved out, lives with his girlfriend, has a nice apartment, and works part time at a video game store. Spends most of his time going out and playing video games.

Second oldest brother: He has his associates degree and is certified in networking. He has a part time job at the library. He still lives at home with our parents. No girlfriend. Spends most of his time playing video games and surfing the internet.

Youngest sibling(myself): Undergraduate, seeking bachelor degree in biology. No job. No boyfriend. I live with my parents in the summer but live on campus during school. I spend most of my time writing, reading, working out, and sometimes play video games. I almost don’t like to go out too much. Every day I worry about my future. I have anxiety. I hide everything and pretend it’s all okay. I struggle with school. I always feel guilty. I often wonder why I’m here doing what I am doing instead of just giving up.

Now let me refute;

My oldest brother has a successful life and is happy. Has no problems, no complaints, doesn’t struggle with anything in particular, and is always calm and collected.

Second oldest brother isn’t all that successful compared to oldest brother. Nor is he as advanced as my brother or myself. But yet there he is, living so happy with everything he has, not caring whether or not he moves out, grows up, starts a real life and gets a real job that pertains to his specifications.

And then there’s me. I haven’t been so successful lately. I worry about many things, my future, what I’m going to be doing when I graduate, how long it will take me graduate, how much money I’ll be making. Wondering if I’ll be able to make it into the world by myself. The thing is, I worry about everything and have so many struggles and am just enduring life the way I never thought I would. I just want to be happy like my two brothers but with my circumstances and with what I went through, I just simply cannot. They don’t struggle with anything. I struggle with anxiety and torment myself with worries. I know I can do better but if my head isn’t in the right place then I cannot help myself. I’m expected to be successful. My parents boast about me to my other family relatives. There’s nothing to boast about me. They don’t know what I go through. No one knows how secretly unhappy I really am.  My brother’s happiness and carefree worries never made me want to be in their place so badly. I’m just unfulfilled and unsatisfied with myself so far. Though, I am working on changing that this coming fall semester. I’ll see how this goes.