It’s 4:46 in the morning, I haven’t slept at all, I drank perhaps a little too much earlier, and I’m completely restless. As I’m slowly sobering up and listening to my clock tick endlessly in this painfully quiet night I’m recollecting my thoughts about certain aspects of myself.
I like to be in denial. I like not knowing certain things. It makes me feel strangely good for some reason. When I got my final grades for this past fall semester I know I did well in three out of the four courses I took. The one I didn’t do so well I probably got a C or even a D depending on my final exam grade. I checked my grades for all my other classes except that one class and went straight into vacation mode not worrying about any classes during my break. What holds me back from checking is the disappointment of receiving anything lower than a C and because it’s somewhat possible. I don’t want to get my hopes high and check and actually do get a D and feel disappointed all break thinking about what I should have done. Instead I choose to remain selfish and ignore the inevitable by feeling like everything is okay for once even if it’s possible it’s not because I just want to feel human for a month or so before I get shoved back into the harsh face of reality.