The need I never admit.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Dear Mom.”

Where do I even begin?

First of all, I’m sorry. I realized that these passed few years, especially once I started college, I’ve been more distant and my temper and tolerance have been at times out of hand when I’m at home. There’s probably no excuse for my attitude/and or behavior towards you or anyone at the house and I’m sorry that I snap.

I’ve been stressed, mom. I come home every once and a while, you ask how I’m doing, I say, “Oh fine, classes are going good.” well, it was a lie. Most of it was a lie. You’re not there to tell me what to do, I’m making my own choices and I suffer whatever consequences there may be.

I’m trying really hard in school, probably the hardest I’ve ever tried in my whole life. I’m taking one step at a time towards my own future and am planning it very carefully, trying not to get stuck in a bottomless pit again. Because of that I know I’ve missed some important things. Easter, Dave’s birthday, and even Mother’s day- missed it all to work harder, study harder, be a better me. I just need to focus on myself a while longer until I finish school because I’m doing this for me and I want your approval and I want you to be proud of me as well.

I know I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me, I don’t always seem like a loving daughter, I don’t appreciate you enough. But without you, I’d be absolutely nothing. My whole world would be nothing, everything I am would come crashing down on me and I’d be so lost. I need you, I think I’ll always need you and that’s the fate of being a mom, always being needed.

So mom, thank you for always putting up with me, thank you for all that you do to support me and care for me, and lastly know that you are the greatest mom and that I love you.

One year: From ultimate isolation to better days.

About two weeks ago I hit my one year anniversary here on wordpress. This blog was originally intended as a last resort kind of coping strategy to my anxiety and my somewhat depression.

I didn’t know what anxiety was, I didn’t think I’d get this ultimate saddened feeling where I felt like my life was basically pointless and almost wanted to do absolutely nothing every waking moment. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, not my family, not my closest friends. I even felt a somewhat feeling of betrayal from my closest friends so I was mostly isolating myself from any social event or even contact and remained in my paranoid/anxious state for quite some time.

Finally after I’ve had enough moping around and feeling bad for myself, I decided to start writing about how I felt as a way to cope with my anxiety/depression. I’d feel anxious, write about it, post it, and within the hour or a few hours I’d get some favorites, comments, or even follows from people that I suppose deemed me interesting enough which in turn made me feel good that there are people that can relate to me and in the end when I ultimately felt alone and isolated from everyone I knew, I actually wasn’t.

I never liked writing until I started writing to help myself. Now whenever I go out or even read books I get inspired to write something and immediately start to write some stories and save them for later publishing.

So, thank you WordPress for helping me climb out of the darkness I was surrounded in for so long. And also thank you followers who still stick around to read my meager posts.