The youngest one struggles the most.

I often look at my brothers and compare their lives to mine.

Oldest brother: He has a bachelor’s degree in music education and is currently in graduate school getting his master’s. He moved out, lives with his girlfriend, has a nice apartment, and works part time at a video game store. Spends most of his time going out and playing video games.

Second oldest brother: He has his associates degree and is certified in networking. He has a part time job at the library. He still lives at home with our parents. No girlfriend. Spends most of his time playing video games and surfing the internet.

Youngest sibling(myself): Undergraduate, seeking bachelor degree in biology. No job. No boyfriend. I live with my parents in the summer but live on campus during school. I spend most of my time writing, reading, working out, and sometimes play video games. I almost don’t like to go out too much. Every day I worry about my future. I have anxiety. I hide everything and pretend it’s all okay. I struggle with school. I always feel guilty. I often wonder why I’m here doing what I am doing instead of just giving up.

Now let me refute;

My oldest brother has a successful life and is happy. Has no problems, no complaints, doesn’t struggle with anything in particular, and is always calm and collected.

Second oldest brother isn’t all that successful compared to oldest brother. Nor is he as advanced as my brother or myself. But yet there he is, living so happy with everything he has, not caring whether or not he moves out, grows up, starts a real life and gets a real job that pertains to his specifications.

And then there’s me. I haven’t been so successful lately. I worry about many things, my future, what I’m going to be doing when I graduate, how long it will take me graduate, how much money I’ll be making. Wondering if I’ll be able to make it into the world by myself. The thing is, I worry about everything and have so many struggles and am just enduring life the way I never thought I would. I just want to be happy like my two brothers but with my circumstances and with what I went through, I just simply cannot. They don’t struggle with anything. I struggle with anxiety and torment myself with worries. I know I can do better but if my head isn’t in the right place then I cannot help myself. I’m expected to be successful. My parents boast about me to my other family relatives. There’s nothing to boast about me. They don’t know what I go through. No one knows how secretly unhappy I really am.  My brother’s happiness and carefree worries never made me want to be in their place so badly. I’m just unfulfilled and unsatisfied with myself so far. Though, I am working on changing that this coming fall semester. I’ll see how this goes.

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