The need I never admit.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Dear Mom.”

Where do I even begin?

First of all, I’m sorry. I realized that these passed few years, especially once I started college, I’ve been more distant and my temper and tolerance have been at times out of hand when I’m at home. There’s probably no excuse for my attitude/and or behavior towards you or anyone at the house and I’m sorry that I snap.

I’ve been stressed, mom. I come home every once and a while, you ask how I’m doing, I say, “Oh fine, classes are going good.” well, it was a lie. Most of it was a lie. You’re not there to tell me what to do, I’m making my own choices and I suffer whatever consequences there may be.

I’m trying really hard in school, probably the hardest I’ve ever tried in my whole life. I’m taking one step at a time towards my own future and am planning it very carefully, trying not to get stuck in a bottomless pit again. Because of that I know I’ve missed some important things. Easter, Dave’s birthday, and even Mother’s day- missed it all to work harder, study harder, be a better me. I just need to focus on myself a while longer until I finish school because I’m doing this for me and I want your approval and I want you to be proud of me as well.

I know I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me, I don’t always seem like a loving daughter, I don’t appreciate you enough. But without you, I’d be absolutely nothing. My whole world would be nothing, everything I am would come crashing down on me and I’d be so lost. I need you, I think I’ll always need you and that’s the fate of being a mom, always being needed.

So mom, thank you for always putting up with me, thank you for all that you do to support me and care for me, and lastly know that you are the greatest mom and that I love you.

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On the edge.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Enough Is Enough.”

When was the last time you were ready to throw in the proverbial towel? Did you end up letting go, or decided to fight on anyway?

Letting go isn’t as easy as you think it is. It has always been incredibly hard for me to just simply let go and give up than it is to press on and keep trying.

I’m a junior in college and I’m very close to graduating. About another year or so. I’ve been through all kinds of obstacles, financial hardships, and breakdowns throughout my years here and I always think, why am I doing this? why don’t I just give up before I break completely and save myself now?

A year ago I was at my ends meet. I honestly couldn’t take anymore and didn’t want to take any more. My grades were dropping in 3 out of my 5 classes, those 3 being the more “important” classes due to them being degree requirements. I was so scared of failing, so scared of falling into this pit that I couldn’t dig myself out of.

I was studying for two exams one night, both were equally important and also equally challenging. At around two in the morning I felt like I couldn’t study anymore, I couldn’t process anymore information even if I wanted to. I was too overwhelmed and anxious about the upcoming exams, fearing every second that ticked to its time. I left my dorm and walked outside. It was very cold at the time but that didn’t bother me in the slightest in that moment of revelation. I sat on a bench and thought about what my next possible “move” is going to be. The only thing that swept through my mind, the only option and easiest way out I could think of was walking back up to my room, pack my bags, and leave for home for good. 

But what happened in reality? I went back, re-opened my books and began studying through what seemed like an endless night. Those thoughts chased me but I really just couldn’t actually do it. I’ve worked hard and then to just give up when I’m so close to the end? I can’t do it. Even though I so desperately want to end all of it with just a snap of my fingers, I’m still here. Still trying, still holding on to whatever is keeping me from falling.

Happy Holidays, Where’s the Tylenol?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Getting Seasonal.”

The holiday season: can’t get enough of it, or can’t wait for it all to be over already? Has your attitude toward the end-of-year holidays changed over the years?

When I was a kid of course I absolutely couldn’t wait for the holidays to come, Christmas was practically a count down to the best day in the world.

I got older, things were changing, my family was changing, and I was certainly changing. The so called “holiday joy” wasn’t exactly as joyous as I remembered it being. As the years went by I just expected less and less from every one.

I’m in college and I do still love the end of year holidays, with my long winter break after the semester how could I complain about it? It’s just that the holidays are less exciting. Christmas is just opening up a few gifts, eat some food, and that’s basically it. New year’s is stay up til midnight for the big event, wish everyone a happy new year with hugs, drink a little, and that’s it.

My family is kind of old I guess so we don’t expect to do so much. So mostly now, I guess you can say, it’s not the holidays that I can’t get enough of, it’s the relaxing break that I can’t get enough of.